Here I go again...

 Going down a musical path this morning.  As the title suggests, Here I go again by Whitesnake in the 80's is a very good representation of the journey of prostate cancer.

I don't know where I'm going
But I sure know where I've been
Hanging on the promises in songs of yesterday
And I've made up my mind
I ain't wasting no more time
Here I go again, here I go again
Though I keep searching for an answer
I never seem to find what I'm looking for
Oh Lord, I pray you give me strength to carry on
'Cause I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams
Here I go again on my own
Going down the only road I've ever known
Like a drifter, I was born to walk alone
And I've made up my mind
I ain't wasting no more time
I'm just another heart in need of rescue
Waiting on love's sweet charity
And I'm gonna hold on for the rest of my days
'Cause I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams
And here I go again on my own
Going down the only road I've ever known
Like a drifter, I was born to walk alone
And I've made up my mind
I ain't wasting no more time
But here I go again
Here I go again
Here I go again
Here I go
'Cause I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams
And here I go again on my own
Going down the only road I've ever known
Like a drifter, I was born to walk alone
And I've made up my mind
I ain't wasting no more time
And here I go again on my own
Going down the only road I've ever known
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
'Cause I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams
And here I go again on my own
Going down the only road I've ever known
Like a drifter, I was born to walk alone

This lyric is a perfect vocalization of the journey we are on.  Here I go again, on my own.  Going down the only road I've ever known.  The road that I fondly remember and miss.  So much so, I sometimes question my decision.  Sort of the woulda, coulda, shoulda from the past post.  I then remember that I don't have prostate cancer in my body anymore (so far).  That does not fully compute in my mind.  Now there is a new song to fill in that gap.  Selena Gomez just released a new song - My Mind and Me.

Wanna hear a part to my story? I tried to hide in the glory
And sweep it under the table so you would never know
Sometimes I feel like an accident, people look when they're passin'
And never check on the passenger, they just want the free show
Yeah, I'm constantly
Tryna fight somethin' that my eyes can't see
My mind and me
We don't get along sometimes
And it gets hard to breathe
But I wouldn't change my life
And all of the crashin' and burnin' and breakin', I know now
If somebody sees me like this, then they won't feel alone now
My mind and me
It's hard to talk and feel heard when you always feel like a burden
Don't wanna add to concern I know they already got
But if I pull back the curtain, then maybe someone who's hurtin'
Will be a little more certain they're not the only one lost
Yeah, I'm constantly
Tryna fight somethin' that my eyes can't see
My mind and me
We don't get along sometimes
And it gets hard to breathe
But I wouldn't change my life
And all of the crashin' and burnin' and breakin', I know now
If somebody sees me like this, then they won't feel alone now
My mind and me
Ah, ah, ah
My mind and me
Ah, ah, ah
My mind, my mind
My mind and me
Ah, ah, ah
My mind and me
Ah, ah, ah
Ooh, it's only my mind and me
My mind and me

This song hit me hard as it was extremely close to me.  My mind is arguing with me and also to my most missed part of the cancer treatment.  I find my self chasing the thoughts down the rabbit hole constantly, getting in my own way too often.

This came to a tipping point AGAIN.  We (and I mean me) started getting short again and lashing out again.  Basically the cranky old man came back out.  When confronted, I realized that I am stressing myself out again.  This means that I am realizing that 2 years without traditional sex are taking a toll on my mind and me.  I miss it and regardless of who or how many times I am told to enjoy what we do have, I always go back to the only road I've ever known.  

I am searching for anyone who can help.  Anyone in the same boat floating on the sea of life that feels like a large part of them was removed during surgery.  A hole so large that it hurts you and relationships you hold dear.  Anyone who has made this journey and found the light to right the ship in your mind.  Any spouse that is also suffering with no sexual intercourse for years (and not by choice).  Am I alone in this?  Surely, I can find others who are mentally suffering with this shit.  Someone tell me it will get better and then lead the way.

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