A personal accounting of the journey through prostate cancer. This is an open and frank rambling of my inner thoughts and frustrations. The first post is stuck to the top for a background of where I started. The remainder to follow in order is archived on the left. Please read and comment as you feel. I will update monthly as needed to update on my journey.
Prostate Cancer Really Sucks - Pt5
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Well, the surgery is over. The healing has begun. The initial test came back and was great news. Technically, I am cancer free! That all sounds great, right? We don't I feel lucky and grateful?
One thing that I learned from the past 6 months, there is a great roller coaster that comes with a prostate cancer diagnosis.
One cannot control life. It truly is a roller coaster. That takes a lot of getting used to. The anxiety of the uphill waiting for test results or healing processes. Then the twists and turns of the ups and downs. The diagnosis, sharing with loved ones, the loss of our intimacy (due to stress - preoperative, side effects - postoperative). I know all the sayings that intimacy "is much more than sex" but that does not change what is internal to me (or many men). I feel robbed of the life that I had. Have I lost my manhood?
Societal expectations for men (and I know that is not correct) is that men's identity is in their prowess as lovers. I am much too young to loose that identity (in my own mind). I wrestle with that daily. I want to start that physical thing with my wife, but then my mind wanders - what if there is a leak? How will I overcome the ED? It is truly embarrassing to me. It has improved, but I still have anxiety of trying new things without trying it in privacy first. I know it is wrong, but that is what is in my mind.
I also talked to the doctor about the tri-mix. That is a cocktail of vasodilators that when injected, will help overcome ED. Yes, I said INJECTED! I had my mind wrapped around it until I had a needle in my hand. Then reality came to the forefront. Was I insane? I am going to inject WHERE?! I chickened out. And again, we are on the roller coaster of life. Just hanging on for dear life.
I need to change my perspective and hopefully others as well. We should not focus on the societal expectations in our minds and not what we have lost. We should rejoice in the fact that we have been presented with another chance. The cancer has been removed or killed by radiation. The PSA levels are down. And you can enjoy another sunrise and sunset along Lake Ontario. Be happy and look forward to the future. If you can do that, congratulations! Now teach me - I need a mentor!
Please feel free to leave comments. It is only with sharing that those with this disease can help each other and those that come after us.
My Journey begins... Hello, If you are reading this, you have an interest in Prostate Cancer. From the title, it is self explanatory! Prostate Cancer, or ANY cancer really sucks. I watched what cancer can do when my mother was diagnosed. They performed surgery to remove the affected areas, but as the surgeon explained to us, there was just too much fat to get everything. Boy does that fill you with confidence! My mother was not large, but was over weight. I just could not believe the surgeon had said that to the family with any confidence. I was dumb struck. I watched as she went through chemo and radiation treatments followed by blood tests that showed it all worked. Thankful, we all took a huge breath of fresh air and relaxed. But cancer laughed at us while we adjusted to normal again. Within a year, the blood tests showed traces of cancer again. Here we go again... She then went for round two ...
So the journey begins... I have been diagnosed and confirmed by my doctor. The reality sinks in and so begins my dive into the internet with Dr. Google. I will caution anyone doing the same, please stick to the reputable sites that give you real information and not the many "alternative" medical sites that claim curing anything with a few vitamins and 'special cocktail of supplements'. What Dr. Google told me was what I would hear from my doctor when he reviewed the options. The difference was, I was already familiar with many of the options and had my questions ready. My spouse and I spent time with the doctor and rattled off many questions about each option. After the details were discussed, the doctor suggested a second opinion to talk about what may be best for us. I did say "US" as this is a relationship changing disease/diagnosis. This will affect a spouse as much as the one who has the cancer. As I did my dive with Dr....