Dashing through the shit

Following up on yesterday's post, this time of the year is hard enough, but throw cancer and the side effects of the treatment options, hormonal changes, and anything else (like the kitchen sink) and this time of the year can be damn depressing.

The cancer news hits hard when you hear it, but it is nothing compared to what your mind goes through with the treatment.  It can make you ball up inside yourself and not discuss anything ever again.  On top of that, the discussions that need to happen are HARD as we never had to talk about sex when one of us is incapable of having sex in the normal way (as it had been for 40+ years).  I know in my mind that this is not true and there are other ways, but we NEVER had to have these in depth conversations and never had so much emotion tied to one subject!

Almost 2 years now since the cancer was removed, I still feel like a shell of a person, let alone a man.  I cannot seem to do anything right.  It seems in my mind that I am the blame of all that is wrong.  I am not happy so everyone is tip toeing around me - my fault.  I forget things much more easily like past conversations - my fault.  I seem distant and disconnected - my fault.  I do not hear what is said in the way it was intended, but rather what I hear in my mind (due to my mindset) - my fault.  Insert anything here - my fault.

I am feeling even more beaten down.  Do I belong?  I am not normal anymore.  Nobody seems to understand.  All I hear is to talk and exercise and it will get better.  How can I do either when I struggle to stay awake and focused?  I also feel that I cannot converse in a positive manner as it will sound like a blame game.  It is not a blame game, but my rationalization of my current situation and how I feel at that moment.  I am stuck in a cycle, like a rat on a spinning wheel.

Maybe it is the hormones being so low, but I do not want to increase the fuel that feeds this damn cancer even though the research shows the opposite.  Why take that chance?  If I give it the fuel, then all this shit is for nothing as I will have the dreaded reoccurrence of the cancer somewhere else in my body.  Anything that I can to stop that is a priority - no testosterone injections!  I now have to work on the stress, anxiety, depression, and diet.  Shouldn't be that hard?!??!!  Yea right!

On top of it all, we had to put our dog down over Christmas.  She was loved by the entire family and will be sorely missed.  I still look for her when I am working as she was my office mate (sleeping on the bed behind my desk).  She would snore during meetings and make her self known.  I really miss that!

This fucking sucks.

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