A personal accounting of the journey through prostate cancer. This is an open and frank rambling of my inner thoughts and frustrations. The first post is stuck to the top for a background of where I started. The remainder to follow in order is archived on the left. Please read and comment as you feel. I will update monthly as needed to update on my journey.
23 months and counting
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It has been 23 months since this roller coaster left the boarding area. What started with the usual PSA blood test that showed a slight elevation which lead to a biopsy, then eventually surgery has been quite a ride. I do have to say that anyone reading and struggling find help as soon as possible. I did find help quickly but I still struggle with the past two years.
As I have stated before, nobody can even imagine what the outcome will be when you are a typical male with typical drive and libido. You are informed that it will happen, but also told that there is a very good chance that it will be short lived. And 80%-90% of men will have some recovery within 18 - 24 months. Now I am still waiting...
I did find a therapist, but you really need to find the right one. The ones that I found were acceptable, but did not really help me completely. I got some help from them, but not the full aspect that helped me get on with life. As part of my personal therapy, I listen to a few podcasts regularly for any additional insight. The ones that I find helpful are "The Penis Project", "Man Up", and "Shameless Sex". The all have some insight to learn more about yourself and your partner to help me keep the intimacy alive.
Part of this damn disease is that it can kill your happiness. The words "you have cancer" really throws a wrench into your life. It makes you pause and consider all you have done and what could be ahead of you as a cancer survivor. To say nothing, those three words killed what little happiness I thought I had.
What I have learned is that my reflection on life is more like a few songs...
It's not that I was not happy with life, but the stresses that everyone just wears you down. I found myself going deeper and needed to find my happy again. The therapy was not helping me find my happy again and then while listening to my podcast lineup, there was a mention of hypnotherapy to help men overcome obstacles. Forgive me. I do not recall which one or which episode, but it did lead me to find a hypnotherapist to try to find my happy again.
I did find one locally and made an appointment. Like the Eastern medicine approach with acupuncture, I was skeptical about it and thought I would not be a good candidate for the hypnosis. I went to the appointment and listened and talked. I opened my mind and gave it a shot.
As I was guided into the session, the therapist planted suggestions. I listened and complied and found myself immersed in the moment. I found happy times and it brought tears to my eyes that just happened. The feeling at the time also unique. I was completely relaxed and awake, but felt almost weightless. It was something that I could very easily do again. I did find some happy for a short time, but I lost it as time passed. Needless to say, I will go back!
So now I have added to my arsenal of tools...
A loving supportive wife and family
Participation in some Facebook Groups where I can ignore the negativity without seeming to be rude and walking out of a meeting
Thereapy
Acupuncture
Injections
Hypnotherapy
Did I miss something? Oh yea, Another podcast learned moment...a representative from Aneros (http://www.aneros.com) was a guest on the show and talked about the products offered and how they are used. The show went down the prostate cancer road and the guest shared the stories they have heard that their product can be used to overcome ED. Although there are no specific studies there is anecdotal evidence of users where the toys have helped. So why not give it a try? Thanks for the samples and I will report on the results after use. It can't hurt!
This disease changes you! It has opened my eyes to new thoughts and new options that I would not have accepted in the past. Like most men, sharing feelings is a sign of weakness. The Rock is also preaching the benefits of thereapy (https://fherehab.com/learning/dwayne-the-rock-johnson-mental-health/). Hopefully we can change that mindset and get more men into help! I also thought acupuncture would work, but when the needles hit the right spot, it gives me hope that I can overcome the ED. Then who among us could ever imagine sticking a needle into your manhood? That was a big adjustment!! And finally hypnosis. It is not a stage show, it is possible to find those memories that make you happy again and reframe your present.
Or maybe I am just stubborn and need all of this shit to change my mindset. Depending on who you ask, it would be the latter rather than the former.
My Journey begins... Hello, If you are reading this, you have an interest in Prostate Cancer. From the title, it is self explanatory! Prostate Cancer, or ANY cancer really sucks. I watched what cancer can do when my mother was diagnosed. They performed surgery to remove the affected areas, but as the surgeon explained to us, there was just too much fat to get everything. Boy does that fill you with confidence! My mother was not large, but was over weight. I just could not believe the surgeon had said that to the family with any confidence. I was dumb struck. I watched as she went through chemo and radiation treatments followed by blood tests that showed it all worked. Thankful, we all took a huge breath of fresh air and relaxed. But cancer laughed at us while we adjusted to normal again. Within a year, the blood tests showed traces of cancer again. Here we go again... She then went for round two ...
Well, the surgery is over. The healing has begun. The initial test came back and was great news. Technically, I am cancer free! That all sounds great, right? We don't I feel lucky and grateful? One thing that I learned from the past 6 months, there is a great roller coaster that comes with a prostate cancer diagnosis. One cannot control life. It truly is a roller coaster. That takes a lot of getting used to. The anxiety of the uphill waiting for test results or healing processes. Then the twists and turns of the ups and downs. The diagnosis, sharing with loved ones, the loss of our intimacy (due to stress - preoperative, side effects - postoperative). I know all the sayings that intimacy "is much more than sex" but that does not change what is internal to me (or many men). I feel robbed of the life that I had. Have I lost my manhood? Societal expectations for men (and I know that...
So the journey begins... I have been diagnosed and confirmed by my doctor. The reality sinks in and so begins my dive into the internet with Dr. Google. I will caution anyone doing the same, please stick to the reputable sites that give you real information and not the many "alternative" medical sites that claim curing anything with a few vitamins and 'special cocktail of supplements'. What Dr. Google told me was what I would hear from my doctor when he reviewed the options. The difference was, I was already familiar with many of the options and had my questions ready. My spouse and I spent time with the doctor and rattled off many questions about each option. After the details were discussed, the doctor suggested a second opinion to talk about what may be best for us. I did say "US" as this is a relationship changing disease/diagnosis. This will affect a spouse as much as the one who has the cancer. As I did my dive with Dr....
