Inevitable or cancer related

 As I sit here, I have to wonder.  Is this the way it was supposed to be?  Am I fighting a losing battle?

I am not focusing strictly on the prostate cancer and the result of the prostetectomy.  That one is clear.  What I don't know is what my life would be like if all was normal?  Looking at our life together, it seems to be almost picture perfect.  We had time, we had resources, we seemed to have it all together.  Fast forward to now, my wife is busy teaching and her business and I am also busy with all the things I need to do.  Seeing life in the present and wondering if there was no cancer, would it be as rosey as I am imagining or would I be feeling the same that there is something missing?

Again, here comes that woulda, coulda, shoulda a$$hole in my head.  Am I painting a picture that is a mural of what we had with what I want us to have now?  Would the present be any different without prostate cancer?

Am I chasing a ghost or has life taken a turn and I am fighting the wheel of change?  My crystal ball is a bit foggy and I cannot see forward or historical what ifs.

I am waiting.  At times it is inpatiently.  OK, most times it is inpatiently.  I still have optimism.  I read and hear about others in my boat that are beginning to recover at 18 months and it gives me hope.  That is what I hang onto.  I am not being passive in this either.  I continue to excercise daily to keep a good blood flow.  I started acupuncture again to calm my anxiety and help with nerve healing.  I am also overcoming the anxiety of injecting myself.  All of that should help.  I think it is working.  I am feeling more stirrings going on than I did a few months ago.  It has to be good!

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