A personal accounting of the journey through prostate cancer. This is an open and frank rambling of my inner thoughts and frustrations. The first post is stuck to the top for a background of where I started. The remainder to follow in order is archived on the left. Please read and comment as you feel. I will update monthly as needed to update on my journey.
That little A$$hole in your head
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I never played football or many sports at all, but I am a football fan. There are two NFL teams that have my heart and I follow year to year. The reason these two teams are near and dear is perhaps they were once cities or areas where I lived. The other may be the coaches uttered sayings that are now stuck in my head and my goto sayings when things get tough.
The first mantra that is my ear worm is from New Orleans Saints coach Jim Mora, He is the coach that started the franchise turn around that was known at the time as the Ain'ts because of the losing season year after year. Jim was bold in the local media and his one saying that is now stuck is during an interview he said "The difference is winners don't say woulda, coulda, shoulda."
I try to say that when that little A$$hole in my head starts to talk smack about my situation and how he keeps looking back and doing the what if scenarios. I TRY to tell that A$$hole to stop that there is no more woulda, coulda, shoulda. Most of the time, the A$$hole seems to listen for about 10 minutes, but comes right back again. That is better than it was, so it is a win, but no where near the finish line.
My other coaching ear worm is from my favorite team/coach. Many will remember the infamous field goal that went wide right and would up loosing the Super Bowl. Yes, it is the Buffalo Bills! I am unofficially part of the Bill's Mafia. The coach that started the climb up the playoff ladder, much like the Saints turn around coach is Marv Levy. On the way out to the field for the Super Bowl, he was telling the team - "Where would rather be than right hear, right now!".
This quote reminds me that I am here and so far, cancer free! It is true, where would you rather be than right here, right now. I need to remember to live in the moment and enjoy life. It also reminds me to tell the A$$hole that I am very happy to be alive and cancer free, even if I don't have a prostate and the sexual pleasure that comes with that little obscure organ. Too many do not know the power of the prostate for a man and the loss can be huge for their mental health.
I only say this to say that I need to focus more on Marv's quote, and keep telling my little A$$hole the quote from Jim. I also need these mantras to help my mental health and become more aware of the present and let the past go. What is done is done. I made the best decision at the time. I cannot change it and need to keep moving forward.
My Journey begins... Hello, If you are reading this, you have an interest in Prostate Cancer. From the title, it is self explanatory! Prostate Cancer, or ANY cancer really sucks. I watched what cancer can do when my mother was diagnosed. They performed surgery to remove the affected areas, but as the surgeon explained to us, there was just too much fat to get everything. Boy does that fill you with confidence! My mother was not large, but was over weight. I just could not believe the surgeon had said that to the family with any confidence. I was dumb struck. I watched as she went through chemo and radiation treatments followed by blood tests that showed it all worked. Thankful, we all took a huge breath of fresh air and relaxed. But cancer laughed at us while we adjusted to normal again. Within a year, the blood tests showed traces of cancer again. Here we go again... She then went for round two ...
Well, the surgery is over. The healing has begun. The initial test came back and was great news. Technically, I am cancer free! That all sounds great, right? We don't I feel lucky and grateful? One thing that I learned from the past 6 months, there is a great roller coaster that comes with a prostate cancer diagnosis. One cannot control life. It truly is a roller coaster. That takes a lot of getting used to. The anxiety of the uphill waiting for test results or healing processes. Then the twists and turns of the ups and downs. The diagnosis, sharing with loved ones, the loss of our intimacy (due to stress - preoperative, side effects - postoperative). I know all the sayings that intimacy "is much more than sex" but that does not change what is internal to me (or many men). I feel robbed of the life that I had. Have I lost my manhood? Societal expectations for men (and I know that...
So the journey begins... I have been diagnosed and confirmed by my doctor. The reality sinks in and so begins my dive into the internet with Dr. Google. I will caution anyone doing the same, please stick to the reputable sites that give you real information and not the many "alternative" medical sites that claim curing anything with a few vitamins and 'special cocktail of supplements'. What Dr. Google told me was what I would hear from my doctor when he reviewed the options. The difference was, I was already familiar with many of the options and had my questions ready. My spouse and I spent time with the doctor and rattled off many questions about each option. After the details were discussed, the doctor suggested a second opinion to talk about what may be best for us. I did say "US" as this is a relationship changing disease/diagnosis. This will affect a spouse as much as the one who has the cancer. As I did my dive with Dr....
