Well I overcame my personal fears and the a$$hole in my head that was beating me up for being a coward. The new injector and some ice as I was directed worked great. I just pushed teh button and did not think about it too much. No I just have to keep that mindset into the future!
As proud of my inner self for not listening, it was not quite the same for either of us. It has been far too long and too many changes in my body. Not to say it was a disappointment, but rather a change that I was not expecting.
It just seems like this has become a joke to someone somewhere and I am not finding the same humor as they are. I was enjoying my newly found life as an aware male that was now focusing on my partner. I finally got it through my thick skull that I am not the center of the universe at those times. It is a we, not a me. Sometimes more them than we! I finally figured it out and now it has all changed! Not a funny joke!
As they say, change is inevitable, I need to change my perspective. As with the entire journey, I am very fortumate to have caught the cancer early and have it removed with clean margins. At 18 months, the PSA is still undetectable. I am truly lucky so far - I just hope that my luck holds out for the next 30 or so years.
I also know as I reflect that much of this blog seems negative. I don't see it as negative. I see it as a release to stop dwelling on the term CANCER and my life. I am happy to be alive and cancer free so far, but it has really changed my perspective and made me more aware of what I once had, but perhaps did not appreciate enough. I now mourn my loss and search for the future and trying to move forward. As with any grief, it can be hard to move on. It will eventually fade as most memories do and will become more of a happy memory.