A personal accounting of the journey through prostate cancer. This is an open and frank rambling of my inner thoughts and frustrations. The first post is stuck to the top for a background of where I started. The remainder to follow in order is archived on the left. Please read and comment as you feel. I will update monthly as needed to update on my journey.
Keeping it real
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Life is continuing all around me, but I feel stuck on 3/8/21. That is the date where things were shaken up and thrown in the air. Where it all landed is scattered all around me and I am know scrambling to pick up the pieces and put them in order again.
I sometimes feel like the pieces are just not fitting and some need to be forced because the shape is similar, but just slightly different. I just need a rubber mallet to pound the pieces together! As anyone who has finished a large colorful puzzle knows, it takes a long time. You also need to step back and evaluate those pieces that have been forced. That is where I feel I am currently located. I took the step back and evaluated the tri mix. I purchased a new auto injector and it is a bit easier now. I still can't pull the trigger myself, but i am still working on it!
On another note...
I had the opportunity to watch Encanto a bit more closely. The closed captioning was on and I was able to fully listen to the songs. One song hit hard for me as a guy - even though it was a female singing the song. Turn on CC to read the lyrics and think about replacing "Sister" with "Dad" or "Husband". And yes, I can dance just like her!
So just when some pieces start to fit together, in drops Hollywood. Yea, I was watching a TV show and there was a relationship between two coworkers that they tried to break off due to the supervisory relationship of the characters. Short story is the episode ended withe the female as the aggressive one to initiate sex.
And there went my mind. Wondering down the road. My wife can’t be that women anymore and expect the same results as the woman on TV. I know. Intimacy is not sex alone, but my mind wandered and down the rabbit hole we went. It will not be the same for a long time if ever. Yes, there is the injection or a pump, but the momentum has to stop to use another way to pump you up.
On the way down the rabbit hole, I recalled all the little things we would talk about. Like the feeling she had when I was able to hit that one spot. Or how we each felt when ejaculating. Those will never be the same!
I can take solace in the fact I am not the only one. Some groups I am in have recently mentioned the same types of topics. Others even expressed anger and regret for having gone through the surgery. I even entertain those thoughts but quickly throw those out since I am so far still cancer free. I am truly grateful for that. I just need to work on the mind games it plays on you and who you think you are.
My Journey begins... Hello, If you are reading this, you have an interest in Prostate Cancer. From the title, it is self explanatory! Prostate Cancer, or ANY cancer really sucks. I watched what cancer can do when my mother was diagnosed. They performed surgery to remove the affected areas, but as the surgeon explained to us, there was just too much fat to get everything. Boy does that fill you with confidence! My mother was not large, but was over weight. I just could not believe the surgeon had said that to the family with any confidence. I was dumb struck. I watched as she went through chemo and radiation treatments followed by blood tests that showed it all worked. Thankful, we all took a huge breath of fresh air and relaxed. But cancer laughed at us while we adjusted to normal again. Within a year, the blood tests showed traces of cancer again. Here we go again... She then went for round two ...
Well, the surgery is over. The healing has begun. The initial test came back and was great news. Technically, I am cancer free! That all sounds great, right? We don't I feel lucky and grateful? One thing that I learned from the past 6 months, there is a great roller coaster that comes with a prostate cancer diagnosis. One cannot control life. It truly is a roller coaster. That takes a lot of getting used to. The anxiety of the uphill waiting for test results or healing processes. Then the twists and turns of the ups and downs. The diagnosis, sharing with loved ones, the loss of our intimacy (due to stress - preoperative, side effects - postoperative). I know all the sayings that intimacy "is much more than sex" but that does not change what is internal to me (or many men). I feel robbed of the life that I had. Have I lost my manhood? Societal expectations for men (and I know that...
So the journey begins... I have been diagnosed and confirmed by my doctor. The reality sinks in and so begins my dive into the internet with Dr. Google. I will caution anyone doing the same, please stick to the reputable sites that give you real information and not the many "alternative" medical sites that claim curing anything with a few vitamins and 'special cocktail of supplements'. What Dr. Google told me was what I would hear from my doctor when he reviewed the options. The difference was, I was already familiar with many of the options and had my questions ready. My spouse and I spent time with the doctor and rattled off many questions about each option. After the details were discussed, the doctor suggested a second opinion to talk about what may be best for us. I did say "US" as this is a relationship changing disease/diagnosis. This will affect a spouse as much as the one who has the cancer. As I did my dive with Dr....
