The real person revealed

 I may have said this in the past, but I am a very personal person.  I have only shared my diagnosis with my immediate family and a literal handful of friends.  Not many know and those that do know seem to have empathy for a cancer diagnosis.  I am not sure if it is real or not.  The real tell of a person is how they talk about a cancer diagnosis when they are not aware of your situation.  I feel that is what the true person really is.

Case in point...this weekend while sitting with some friends who know and others that do not know, the conversation came up about the sequel to Top Gun.  The chatter was mostly about how good the movie was and the characters that appeared in the movie from the original.  I know some actors chose to not appear and others did.  The talk came to Val Kilmer.  I did know he did not look well but did not know why.  He is not one that I follow, so I thought nothing of it.  During this conversation, I learned that he suffers with throat cancer.  The comment that followed from the friend that does not know about my medical issues blurted out that we will be reading about his death soon.

I was flabbergasted and completely shut down from the conversation!  How could someone feel that let alone speak it in public?  This made me think about the reactions that I have seen from others when I shared my diagnosis.  The friendly thing is to show sympathy and empathy, but is that how they really feel about cancer or is it just to be nice and move on in the conversation?  If I did not speak out and share my diagnosis but the conversation came up about another prostate cancer patient that was not in the room, would they speak of it as the 'good cancer'?  As if any cancer can be good?! 

I realize that I am very fortunate, and it was caught early and still contained when removed.  I also realize that the odds due to the timing are extremely good and on my side.  I am coming to terms that this is life changing and intimacy will NEVER be the same.  BUT cancer can NEVER be 'good'.  It changes you!  It inserts itself as a constant cloud in your life.  Most times, you can avoid the storm that the clouds bring, but there are now clouds that were never there before and never a real concern.

I cannot find a reason to share more and neither find a reason to keep it all in.  Is the empathy real or just fake?  I know I should not care, but I do not stand for fake sympathy and would rather not subject myself to such feelings.  That is the reason I do not feel like sharing with many people.  Most do not care and have an attitude that I heard this past weekend - we will be reading about him soon...  

 Update to this post - 

I saw this picture on Facebook and it really hit me as TRUTH and it applies to what I have experienced in conversations as well as with therapists that I have talked to dealing with the mental aspects of this crappy disease.

If you have not heard of Brene Brown, I suggest that you listen to a few things she speaks about.  She had a short series on HBO and can be seen on the HBO Max service.  It is a quick 5 episode series and really helps people understand each other as well as yourself.  She also has a website that has background information and a link to her podcast.




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