Keeping up?
It has now been almost 15 months since my surgery and 18 months since my diagnosis. The past 18 months has been a blur. It seems surreal to be in my situation at this point in my life. I am still struggling with the life changes that have been thrust upon me on my 57th birthday. That is the day that changed my life, marriage, and general outlook toward the future.
The life change is one that needs little explaination. As the commercials and many others say, those three little words set you into a tailspin that continues to influence you for a long time. You Have Cancer was the last thing I remember. I can't even tell you what we did for my birthday. It truly was a blur! More on life changes to come.
My marriage changed. As empty nesters, we were enjoying our time together again. In some ways, it was like looking back at our college days and early marriage. No real responsibilities (at the instance in time and in the house) allowed us to enjoy life again after raising our kids. There were still phone calls and crisises that need attention, but we did not have to plan dinners and entertainment for them anymore. No more soccer games, music lessons, etc. We had time again! That was crushed with those three little words. From that time we were told, the anxiety hormones were fully at work with the fight or flight. Little did I know that would still be continuing 18 months later!
It has not all been bad. It forced us to connect again and begin talking more. Opening up and sharing honesty about what we are both feeling. No eggshells to walk on. It is raw emotion about feelings and how we navigate the future again. In college, we talked so much and had our future planned. Not that any of those plans ever came to fruition, but we talked. During the child rearing years that was lost. The kids took the spotlight. After that, our freedom was the focus. Now faced with the huge life change, we are talking again and sharing those internal fears and feelings. That is the good part of this shitty diagnosis.
The final change is my general outlook on life. I am still struggling with my losses and trying to focus on the positive - I am alive and the PSA is undectable! I am extremely fortunate for my medical team to do what they do and keep my health central to their time with me. I am also fortunate for a family and spouse that still support me through my highs and lows over the past 18 months. I have been that grumpy old man that we laughed at when we were young. You know the guy that stood on the porch and yelled at the kids - "get off my grass!" I don't like that guy when he shows up and I continually check myself to push him back down when he does raise is head. I am also extremely happy and lucky that surgery found and removed everything that was bad. I only hope that was everything and there are not any pesky cells roaming my body waiting to plant themselves and take another shot. I am trying to be positive and should be positive. I have just listed whay I should be, but it is a struggle to convince myself at times.
Along those lines, I have been thinking of my past interviews and the question that is always asked. The question of what is your 5 or 10 year plan? I can only laugh at that now. Can we really have a plan? Do we control anything? I have learned a very hard lesson -