Finding someone who "gets it"

 I have said in prior posts that the most difficult part of prostate cancer treatment is the mental aspect.  The first hurdle is the diagnosis of cancer.  When you hear that word and it is applied to YOU, it starts so many thoughts in your head.  You are lost in your own thoughts to even hear anything else you are told at that point.  Fortunately, most physicians realize this and will give you time to digest what you have just been told - a bomb dropped on your life!

Once you can collect your thoughts and come back to reality, what do you do?


OF COURSE!  You go to Dr. Google, or even seek groups on any type of social media.  Be careful, there is a plethora of information.  Pick and choose carefully and, from my own experience, stay away from the social media groups.  Those will bring you down so far, it can be difficult to dig your way out.  You don't need negativity at this crucial point in your diagnosis or life!

Once you have done your research and discussed with your medical team, you make a decision for treatment and move forward.  That was easy!


Now, if you are like me, the diagnosis alone was enough to release a FLOOD of hormones associated with stress and anxiety.  Those hormones are the antithesis of sexual desire and kill any chance of an erection.  It is the fight or flight hormone response as you dwell on the word CANCER.  Those hormones force blood into the muscles and core to prepare for anything but sex!

This is the beginning of the ED struggle.  Yes, it is a physical issue where things do not work, but it is also MENTAL.  As previous posts discuss, you need to find someone to talk it out with.  This starts the hardest part; finding someone that can understand your struggle.

I have been to support groups looking for anything.  Some do not even want to wander down that road while others give advice that it is what it is and move on.  I have also talked to professionals that try to convince that there is so much more than the act of intercourse.  There is so much more like intimacy and foreplay type of activities.  Some even go so far as saying you need to just put that focus out of your mind and move on.  To me, that is throwing up the white flag.

I have also been told the analogy of those that won the lottery and are now more broke than when they started.  The moral of that statement is that winning the lottery does not fix everything in life and neither will regaining any type of erection.  Yes, I would love to win the lottery and if I blew it all, it was an incredible ride and experience, just like gaining my functionality again would be a wonderful ride and experience and when it gradually went away with age, what an experience it was!!!


I am not ready for the white flag and resent that advice, especially when the one giving the advice can go home and engage in intercourse as they wish.  How can the textbooks teach you about the loss of that particular appendage OVERNIGHT!  This was not a gradual decline, it was abrupt and instantaneous.  It is a death and a grieving process.  But again, to grieve means that you have lost it and giving up hope.  Again the analogy stories also show a lack of understanding of the true feelings one has with this journey called prostate cancer.

I refuse to give up hope and with every touch and every treatment (acupuncture) or exercise (pumping), I look for a sign - any sign

Now the physiology of the process of gaining an erection comes into play.  The mind is sometimes considered the largest sex organ we have.  It controls all other functions.  If you are preoccupied with the thoughts of healing and gaining your full sexuality again, the mind cannot do that many things at once and one will fail.  Guess which one it is?

So let's bring this back full circle to the post title.  You need to find someone, a professional or peer, who can resonate with your feelings.  They may not be able to walk you through while it is happening, but they can relate and give you true advice from experience.  The other option is to find a truly compassionate professional who may not have the same experience, but can offer more than just "move on and put it out of your mind" type of advice.  Be careful to find the right person to pour your heart to!



Thanks for reading my mind dump, now to find a new therapist that can relate or at least has enough compassion to hide the typical responses from those that still have full functionality.






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