Intamacy and communications
I think the hardest part of this damn cancer is all the changes it throughs at you. Some, if not most of them are instant changes and the difficulty is adjusting to these changes. They are not small changes, they are HUGE.
The first instant change is the news that you have CANCER. That is the dreaded word that everyone fears. We have all seen or heard of someone that dies from cancer and all of those images race through your mind regardless of who says what to try to calm you down. The images are horrific and extremely frightening. They conjour feelings that you could never have imagined in your wildest dreams (nightmares). That hurdle, in hindsite, was nothing when looking at the whole thing in the rear view mirror. The diagnosis is scary for both of us (my wife and I) and we can talk about it as a couple with the feelings about the future. That was very easy, again in hindsite.
Then comes the options. We listened to the choices that we had for treatment and the stats of success or reoccurance for each. We discussed all options and things seem to be on track. We were both on the same page. Everything else seemed to stop, but that happened well before at the biopsy. The blood and anxiety over the fact that I needed a biopsy was enough to squash any libido.
Then came the surgery. Going into the whole thing, I had high hopes and confidence that things would return to normal within a few weeks. After all, I beat the timelines on every other surgery, why not this one? Communications were still on track and the nurturing after the surgery kept things going.
Then came realization and reality, along with hormone swings. I was able to conquer the incontinence fairly quickly with only a few low times - and they still continue, but I have adapted and accepted for the most part. The realization of ED and hormone levels really have messed with the whole intamacy and communications. It is amazing how the hormone levels can interfere with how you speak and feel. The anxiety on top of all the levels is a recipe for disaster. You say things that are hurtful to others, even if you do not mean it that way. You also hear things differently and react differently. I don't like it and it is fucking with the intamacy we once had. It is also making me question whether this was all worth it.
My PSA levels have all been great, but I continue to read about others that have the same track record and then all of a sudden BAM, the levels are back on the rise. Then treatment all over again! CANCER SUCKS!
It is amazing how much of your being is centered around sex. When you have the ability, you think nothing of it. You are surrounded by it daily through advertising, magazines, online content, etc. When you don't have that ability, all of that coming at you daily is a depressing reminder of what you are missing. You can't escape it, it is life. It also fuels the anger, which in turn hurts the communications both on giving and hearing what is said by and to you. It changes your whole perspective on life and the world around you.
All of this shit also affects those around you. The reactions to you become different because you are so mad at the cancer that has fucked with your life. I am not trying to hurt those around me, it is all internal anger, but it spills out when talking. I keep trying to overcome the anger, but then it smacks me square in the face, when I remember the minot leakage, ED, stories of others that have a rising PSA, etc. I keep attending seminars to adjust my outlook, but then I stare at the needle and say "inject it whare?" Then it hits me again. Such a vicious circle!
And such the title of this blog series. The emotional roller coaster can make anyone say it - Prostate Cancer Really Sucks!!!
