What is intimacy when it comes to prostate cancer?

 So all the advice that is out there for those dealing with the side effects of prostate cancer treatments is to work on intimacy with your partner to maintain that connection.  I don't disagree.  You need to stay connected otherwise the relationship turns into roommates or I have also heard some refer to it as a brother and sister type relationship.  Like I said, I don't disagree, but what if you already had reached a great level of intimacy?  

I know, I am a guy and my view of intimacy is far different then a female, but what can I do when everything that I find to increase intimacy involves what I (we) have already been doing prior to prostate cancer treatments?  Yes, there is always work to do to get back to that level, but that also involved satisfaction for both with the culmination of penetration.  The entire evening seems to be a loss for my masculinity and a failure because that is not yet possible.

A big part, I am sure, is all contained within my own mind.  Since it is in my mind to concentrate on gaining an erection to satisfy myself, I stand in my own way of obtaining such a feat.  And so the vicious circle begins...

I tell myself that I can overcome this.  It is easy to convince others that I understand and accept what I cannot change the future.  Words are easy, but the mind does not always listen to the words.  The anxiety circle begins and things go south (literally).  If only there was a glimmer of hope, my mind may be able to break that circle.  I am always looking for a glimmer of hope.

This diagnosis can throw you into a mind numbing roller coaster.  If you compare normal life with the ups and downs of a normal relationship, family matters, employment issues, etc. and then throw this on top of normal life, it is like going from a gentle tea cup ride to a double loop roller coaster where you hang upside down for long periods of time.  This is hell on the mind!

I did have some clarity that addressed my confusion.  I received an email with a link addressing this topic.  The video is a TED Talk about intimacy and long term satisfaction after a diagnosis.  I think that what she discusses makes me feel better about struggling with the idea of intimacy.  I struggled because this is what we have done seemingly forever.  This is what our relationship/marriage has been about.  Perhaps we are 'normal' and we need to continue what has worked for so many years.

It has been hard since the biopsy, diagnosis, surgery, and recovery but we have been connected through it all.  At times it is more difficult than usual and there are more stresses pulling in different directions but communications is key to bringing it all back to center.  Find time, make time and talk to each other just as you have in the past.  Don't stay inside your own head and wall off those that have always stood by you.


Popular posts from this blog

Prostate Cancer Really Sucks - Pt1

 My Journey begins... Hello, If you are reading this, you have an interest in Prostate Cancer.  From the title, it is self explanatory!  Prostate Cancer, or ANY cancer really sucks.  I watched what cancer can do when my mother was diagnosed.  They performed surgery to remove the affected areas, but as the surgeon explained to us, there was just too much fat to get everything.  Boy does that fill you with confidence!  My mother was not large, but was over weight.  I just could not believe the surgeon had said that to the family with any confidence.  I was dumb struck.  I watched as she went through chemo and radiation treatments followed by blood tests that showed it all worked.  Thankful, we all took a huge breath of fresh air and relaxed.  But cancer laughed at us while we adjusted to normal again.  Within a year, the blood tests showed traces of cancer again.  Here we go again...  She then went for round two ...
Read more

Prostate Cancer Really Sucks - Pt5

Image
Well, the surgery is over.  The healing has begun.  The initial test came back and was great news.  Technically, I am cancer free!  That all sounds great, right?  We don't I feel lucky and grateful? One thing that I learned from the past 6 months, there is a great roller coaster that comes with a prostate cancer diagnosis.   One cannot control life.  It truly is a roller coaster.  That takes a lot of getting used to.  The anxiety of the uphill waiting for test results or healing processes.  Then the twists and turns of the ups and downs.  The diagnosis, sharing with loved ones, the loss of our intimacy (due to stress - preoperative, side effects - postoperative).  I know all the sayings that intimacy "is much more than sex" but that does not change what is internal to me (or many men).  I feel robbed of the life that I had.  Have I lost my manhood?   Societal expectations for men (and I know that...
Read more

Prostate Cancer Really Sucks - Pt2

 So the journey begins... I have been diagnosed and confirmed by my doctor.  The reality sinks in and so begins my dive into the internet with Dr. Google.  I will caution anyone doing the same, please stick to the reputable sites that give you real information and not the many "alternative" medical sites that claim curing anything with a few vitamins and 'special cocktail of supplements'.   What Dr. Google told me was what I would hear from my doctor when he reviewed the options.  The difference was, I was already familiar with many of the options and had my questions ready.  My spouse and I spent time with the doctor and rattled off many questions about each option.  After the details were discussed, the doctor suggested a second opinion to talk about what may be best for us.  I did say "US" as this is a relationship changing disease/diagnosis.  This will affect a spouse as much as the one who has the cancer. As I did my dive with Dr....
Read more