A personal accounting of the journey through prostate cancer. This is an open and frank rambling of my inner thoughts and frustrations. The first post is stuck to the top for a background of where I started. The remainder to follow in order is archived on the left. Please read and comment as you feel. I will update monthly as needed to update on my journey.
Be kind to EVERYONE, not just those that you think can help you get to where you want to go
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As I navigate my post prostate life, it brings a whole new part of life to the forefront of my mind. The first one and likely the biggest is to cherish those around you. Show them. Tell them. Be with them. Your family is your connection to life. Your parents brought you into this world (and when Mom gets mad enough, she reminds you and tells you she can take you out too!). Seriously, your parents are more important for most than you realize. When they are gone, there is a huge hole left that cannot be filled. Spend time with them while they are on this earth. They have lived life and have experiences that you can use, or at least take into consideration. You will miss them when they are gone, so be kind! I will tell you as a parent, they miss you asking your questions and seeing them as the hero they once thought you were.
As I write this, Outlook reminds me that it is my grandmother's birthday. She passed almost one year before cancer stole my mom from me. Two of the strongest women in my life, the ones that taught me everything are gone. I miss them!!!
What I have learned is that cancer and the treatment (whichever treatment you choose) has a profound effect on YOU and who you ARE. You become self centered and tend to withdraw from those around you. That is the LAST thing you should do. Curly says it best, from the movie "City Slickers". There is one thing in life. Unfortunately, in the movie, Curly dies before he explains the one thing to Mitch (Billy Crystal).
As the movie goes, the main character (Mitch) is challenged with life and death while being swept away in a raging river. At that point, he understands the one thing. This is the same revelation I had and continue to work on daily. There is the one thing that makes you tick. It is the one thing that counsellors try to make you see. It is all based around your ability to communicate and prioritize life. What is important? Focus on you and being nice to others and especially your family! Keep your connections to others and come out of those walls.
Take time and be extra kind to your spouse or significant other, too. As we both find our ways, my wife and I both feel distant. The intamacy is disappearing. That is another loss on top of the prostate! At first, everyone warned about not losing the intamacy in my relationship. I did not understand what that really meant (much like ALL of this crap we are dealing with). The words came out of the counsellors' mouths, the advice of books and others before me, and everywhere I turned for help. I heard them, but it did not make sense. How can we lose intamacy when we have been together for about 40+ years. I knew everything about her and she about me. This damn cancer has changed all of that. We need to communicate and LISTEN to each other. We have the same fears, but from different perspectives. We need to work to find the middle ground and respect each others' perspective. When that happens, the walls will begin to crumble and you begin to feel like it will get better.
We did start to talk. Like I said, same fears but different perspectives. It does not always need to be so serious when you talk. In fact, our conversation turned into a typical joke...you know the one about a life changing decision. Given what you know now about the outcome of the surgery and the shit we have to go through, she asked - given the choice, isn't it better to have the surgery and be alive than to have a hard one and have sex? I stopped. As if I did not hear her, then said...."I'm thinking". That broke the ice!! She did not expect that response and we both had a good laugh.
The intamacy question is part of that one thing. Going inside yourself and becoming consumed by everything that is happening is natural, but wrong! You need to talk to your spouse or family and let them know you are scared shitless by all of this. What you will find is that most likely they are too! One of my latest self help books and navigating life without a prostate is a new book from another cancer survivor from Australia. "A Better Normal" by Tess Deveze brings these things and more out into the open. It has helped me understand myself better from the advice of another cancer survivor. Yes it is a female, but she survived breast cancer and discusses things that I find I have in common with her even as an opposite sex (and different type of cancer survivor). If you have or have had cancer, please read the book. I think it may help.
So back to the title of this entry. As the it states, be kind to everyone. Life is short. Be kind to all. Just like you, they may be struggling with something that is not visible. It could be mental health, or physical health. They may be adept at hiding it, or they may be in a wheelchair with no leg. It does not matter. Be kind! You can still stand for your morals and ethics and stand your ground, but be kind about it! Remember your please and thank you for others. It shows respect to you and them. We are all working through this life and struggling with our own internal self. That does not mean that you should include them as part of your struggle. They did not RSVP to that invitation and want no part of your circus.
My Journey begins... Hello, If you are reading this, you have an interest in Prostate Cancer. From the title, it is self explanatory! Prostate Cancer, or ANY cancer really sucks. I watched what cancer can do when my mother was diagnosed. They performed surgery to remove the affected areas, but as the surgeon explained to us, there was just too much fat to get everything. Boy does that fill you with confidence! My mother was not large, but was over weight. I just could not believe the surgeon had said that to the family with any confidence. I was dumb struck. I watched as she went through chemo and radiation treatments followed by blood tests that showed it all worked. Thankful, we all took a huge breath of fresh air and relaxed. But cancer laughed at us while we adjusted to normal again. Within a year, the blood tests showed traces of cancer again. Here we go again... She then went for round two ...
Well, the surgery is over. The healing has begun. The initial test came back and was great news. Technically, I am cancer free! That all sounds great, right? We don't I feel lucky and grateful? One thing that I learned from the past 6 months, there is a great roller coaster that comes with a prostate cancer diagnosis. One cannot control life. It truly is a roller coaster. That takes a lot of getting used to. The anxiety of the uphill waiting for test results or healing processes. Then the twists and turns of the ups and downs. The diagnosis, sharing with loved ones, the loss of our intimacy (due to stress - preoperative, side effects - postoperative). I know all the sayings that intimacy "is much more than sex" but that does not change what is internal to me (or many men). I feel robbed of the life that I had. Have I lost my manhood? Societal expectations for men (and I know that...
So the journey begins... I have been diagnosed and confirmed by my doctor. The reality sinks in and so begins my dive into the internet with Dr. Google. I will caution anyone doing the same, please stick to the reputable sites that give you real information and not the many "alternative" medical sites that claim curing anything with a few vitamins and 'special cocktail of supplements'. What Dr. Google told me was what I would hear from my doctor when he reviewed the options. The difference was, I was already familiar with many of the options and had my questions ready. My spouse and I spent time with the doctor and rattled off many questions about each option. After the details were discussed, the doctor suggested a second opinion to talk about what may be best for us. I did say "US" as this is a relationship changing disease/diagnosis. This will affect a spouse as much as the one who has the cancer. As I did my dive with Dr....