Continuing a very slow recovery


Yes, this is the feeling!  The insicisions are healed, scars are still there, pads are now mostly optional, BUT this is the feeling of waiting the 12-18 months for full functionality to MAYBE return.  I feel like the box above, or as a military term, "Hurry up and wait!"  I wish there was some pixie dust that would work to heal everything at once.  I look whole, but don't feel whole.

That is the saddest part of this nasty disease.  It steals something you never knew you had and took for granted.  I feel it stole my identity!  Oh yea, there were warnings and others before me that sounded alarms, but until you walk the walk and go the mile in those shoes, it does not hit home until it is gone.  Then it is too late.  STOP!  I have no regrets in my decision to have everything removed, but I did not have the complete understanding of how much my identity as a man was tied to my performance!  I did want the cancer OUT ASAP, I just wished I had better prepared myself for the mental anguish that I now feel.

I do remember reading and hearing that things will change and there will be a new normal, but what is normal?  Let's dive into that...

Sociatal expectations of a "normal" male is that of a virile sexually active man.  That may be heterosexual or homosexual.  That means you can perform, for the most part, as you wish, when you wish, and who you wish.  Prostate cancer robs you of that virility expectation.  Yes, you can still have those feelings of orgasm, and it may even be better and longer lasting than before, but there is something about the performance aspect that you feel the loss. 

The warnings were there, I just chose to supress them and convince myself of a superman mentality and that would not apply to me.  After all, I proved doctors wrong on all prior surgeries and surpassed expectations on recovery times, why would this be any different?  IT IS!

Another aspect is that a relationship is more than plain old sex and I(we) need to find our new intimacy with the diagnosis and surgery.  My question is what is new intimacy?  Just try to search for relationship intimacy on "the Google".  What do you find?  Almost ALWAYS, intimacy is TIED to SEX.  News note, the latter is physically not possible!  I know that does not always mean intercourse, but for old farts like me, that is ingrained in my psyche and difficult to move around.  What do you do?  My wife is incredible in helping me, but I feel selfish and not fulfilling her needs while she helps me.  I am finding it difficult to accept this!  I want to be normal!  I know it is not possible to go back, but damnit, heal faster!!!

I will throw another "Ted Lasso" reference out there.  I just read a very good read about Roy Kent from "Ted Lasso".  If you have not seen this show, it is one of the funniest, most touching shows I have seen.  It is very relatable to life after surgery.  Anyway, Roy is the older star on the team, but is aging and being shown up by younger faster players.  He is a fan favorite for the area, a real character, but is nearing the end of his career!  The latest edition of Rolling Stone did a story on Roy's character and the man that brings him to life.  Here is the summary of Roy as presented by Brett Goldstein:

How football is your life and then suddenly it isn’t — and you have no training for the real world or normal life. There’s a real sort of tragedy to that. No one wants to stop paying football — it’s just that your body can’t. That’s tragic.

If you watch the embedded video, be warned, Roy is very loose with the use of the F word, so if that offends you, please do not watch the video.  But as Ralpie states in "A Christmas Story", 

He worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It was his true medium; a master.

Enjoy!

I must say, I am not a medical doctor and my journey should NEVER be considered medical advice.  See your own physician.  Find a mental health counselor to talk to.  Get help for everyone and anyone that can offer professional guidance while you navigate your "new normal"!



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