Prostate Cancer Really Sucks - Pt7

 Well the saga continues.  

I say saga, but it is more of a journey.  As I have time, it allows me to think; sometimes too much.  I recently had to take my dog to the vet.  He was not doing well- could not support himself, balance was off, etc.  His size risked further injury if he ever really fell.  I could also see in his eyes that he was in pain, but too good of a dog to show it to anyone.  That was hard, but it took my mind off my problems.  I was also able to equate the two situations.

The grieving process is the same for my prostate and my former life and for my favorite pet.  I held both of them close.  We were buddies.  Now life has changed with the loss of my buddies - my dog and my prostate.  I have two grieving processes at the same time!  Most people can empathize with the loss of a close pet, but there are even fewer that an even begin to understand what the loss of a prostate really means.

Most of the process can be hidden to most people.  But, as I have stated earlier, you need to talk to someone.  The discussion can be with a professional, but also needs to occur with your spouse or significant other to share your feelings and help with the understanding of the complex feelings you now have.

Personally, I need validation more so now.  This is likely due to my inadequacies and changes to what I considered normal.  I was on a new awakening of my meaning of a man/spouse.  I skated through life as a selfish man.  Probably a typical young man who had a selfish sexual outlook.  I thought I was satisfying the other, but I was really only satisfying myself most times.  I only recently learned how to keep her satisfied and enjoying my new journey/awakening.  With the initial samples taken and returned results with a cancer diagnosis, everything changed.  I suddenly felt selfish again and could not perform like I recently had.  My focus and attention went inward again and I now hate that.  I realize that I am doing it, but cannot break out of the rut in my mind.

I am now about 4 months post RP and cannot regain the confidence I once had in the bedroom.  My mind is wandering and the thoughts are returning.  My desire seems to be coming back around, but my mind still will not come around to match my desire with my performance anxiety.  How do you bridge that gap?

I am doing exercises to insure blood returns and keeps the tissue alive.  I also know that it needs to occur frequently to make sure things stretch again.  It has been about 6 months since anything worked properly!  I need to make sure it will continue in the future by doing exercises.  I would love to have the nerves come back to life and things start working again.  If only there was magic to make it happen!

That is the real part of this nasty ass disease that really sucks.  There is no gradual loss of desire or performance.  It was a switch that was flipped at the surgery (or even at the diagnosis).  Nothing seemed to work properly since you were told or read that word "CANCER".  There was really nothing anyone can say or do to prepare you for such a whack to life with that word.  It really does play with your mind in many more ways than you can imagine.

Please feel free to leave comments.  It is only with sharing that those with this disease can help each other and those that come after us.

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