Prostate Cancer Really Sucks - Pt6

 Wow, I just re-read Pt5 and I was all over the place.  There are so many emotions, thoughts, and feelings since you are cursed with a diagnosis of prostate cancer (or any type of life altering medical diagnosis).  I cannot keep them all straight in my head.  Many of them make it from my head to my mouth and they do not come out as expected.  This can compound the existing mental thoughts in my head with additional conflict with those that you love.  Those that you love and support you do not have insight into your thoughts and feelings.  Things come out of my mouth that do not reach the listener as I intended in my mind.  This creates additional stresses on your relationships.  

There is one thing that I have learned (and told) is to keep the lines of communication open and share all of those feelings, thoughts, and emotions.  Share with a significant other, a professional, or a friend.  You need to get them out in the open.  They may not seem as bad then.  For me, it does help but I still dwell on those things as woulda, coulda, shoulda as coach Jim Mora used to say.  A medical diagnosis can drastically change your attitudes, thoughts, and outlook on life.  Share this to help others understand your internal conflicts and changes.  It is the only way to keep your relationship moving forward!

As far as physical healing, I am still progressing and improving.  I say still improving because, to me it seems the process is slower than a snail's pace.  It is like watching grass grow or paint drying.  It is very frustrating!  I am told I am healing and improving, but I do not see it as easily.  

Part of the healing process is trying to create the "new" physical relationships after a prostatectomy.  This is one of my major hurdles (in my mind).  Ever since I decided on surgery option, my mind attached to the sexual side effects of the surgery.  I have dwelled and obsessed on this subject almost daily.  Will I regain my ability?  Would I be able to satisfy my spouse?  I believe this is an essential part of the relationship and surely part of my image of myself as a man in the relationship.

There are so many things in my head, but I thought I was ready.  I talked to my wife and shared my thoughts and fears.  That was a difficult conversation to let someone into my head and show my fears.  I am not supposed to have (or show) those fears - I am the male in the relationship.  I am supposed to be the one that fixes things.  I am the one with the answers.  Showing that fault plays with your mind even though it shouldn't.


We gave it a shot.  Honestly, the physical feelings were incredible.  To touch and be touched in the intimate ways was something I have been craving ever since the initial core biopsies were taken.  That is how long it has been.  It felt great, but my mind took over and I felt a failure.  My spouse said it was satisfying, but in my mind, it was a failure.  The most important part was talking about my feeling of failure and what WE can do for the next attempt.  My spouse is incredible as a partner and wishing to help me overcome my mind.  I really do not think I could survive this without that support!  

It is incredibly important to keep the conversation going and get out of your own mind.  Don't think, just throw or as Crash stated earlier in the movie, "don't think; it can only hurt the ball club."  I need to take that advice and live in the moment and enjoy the physical relationship.  Enjoy the touch, the closeness, and the intimate feelings that come with such a close relationship.  

Please feel free to leave comments.  It is only with sharing that those with this disease can help each other and those that come after us.

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